| Author |
Message |
Chris H
Forum Moderator
Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 19978
|
| Posted:
Sat Oct 30, 2004 5:43 pm |
|
heres some of his quotes.
I've never understood people who wear wigs. In Glasgow they say "Why
pay good money for a wig when you can get the same effect by putting
glue on your head and sticking it in a barber's midden?"
When I'm on the road, I always have to have a good pen - if you've
just got a Bic, they think you're on the skids.
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable
dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to
drive along the freeway with.
People think there's only one way of wanking, but I've discovered a
great new way. You lie on your arm until it's gone dead. Then you do
it. And it feels like somebody else.
The great thing about being a showbiz personality is that you don't
fart any more. You get a fartectomy in Harley Street. When I got mine
done, Princess Anne was in the queue behind me. I don't think her's
worked - she still looks like a horse just shit in her handbag.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they
always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they
expect to find? A silver sixpence?
Language is fascinating. The real names for things can be so awful in
English. Like 'penis' and 'scrotum'. Yuch. No wonder they had to
invent different words for them, like willies, bums, and tits.
One thing they do in Hollywood is put cocaine on their willy to help
them keep it up. So now I always have a salt cellar of cocaine on the
bedside table.
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's
easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you
know it's a McDonald's.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the
William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Ian Paisley's wife went to the dentist the other week. The dentist
asked her, "Well, how's the mouth?" "Still in bed."
There are two seasons in Scotland. June and Winter.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and
all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dressed him in the
coffin?
Some people say, "I like women to talk dirty during sex." I like them
to shut the fuck up, I'm trying to last a decent time.
Some people have a mirror above the bed to watch themselves doing it.
But I'm such an ugly bastard, I don't want to see a big white arse
moving up and down.
Isn't the scrotum an ugly bugger of a thing? It's like a hairy brain,
an ugly brute of a thing. I'm sure that's why it's tucked away in the
corner.
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad
enough him being a Jehova's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving
like a Catholic priest!
The weary willies say, "Thou shalt not!" We're a race of men who wear
skirts and no knickers! We fucking shall, we've done it before.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with
those wee red knives.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my
hand and give me a pound.
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They
were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell
me it was the zoo.
I can't use escalators. The banisters are always moving faster than
the stairs.
It was so cold that when I woke up in the morning I found a wee ice
cube in my bed. I threw it in the fire and it went: FART!
It's so cold there that when you go for a piss, you have to snap it
off when you're done. |
|
|
|
|
Chet T16
Retroholic
Joined: 12 Feb 2004
Posts: 5685
|
| Posted:
Sat Oct 30, 2004 6:06 pm |
|
| Chris H wrote: |
It was so cold that when I woke up in the morning I found a wee ice
cube in my bed. I threw it in the fire and it went: FART!
|
He's good, never fails to make me piss myself |
|
|
|
|
Chris H
Forum Moderator
Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 19978
|
| Posted:
Sat Oct 30, 2004 6:09 pm |
|
yeah hes good. His daughter graduated when my mum did so he was there and everyone was taking pics of him and he was getting pissed off about it.
Later after the event he bumped into me and said sorry big man which made me chuckle.
My grandad tooks photos of him, like a right tool.
Not seen any of his stand up in ages actually. |
|
|
|
|
Neal
Forum Moderator
Joined: 18 Feb 2004
Posts: 7432
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:24 am |
|
| Chris H wrote: |
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they
always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they
expect to find? A silver sixpence? |
Got to say, i'm not a fan of his, and also, this is a joke from Red Dwarf |
|
|
|
|
JB
Mr Quoter-vator
Joined: 16 Feb 2004
Posts: 7405
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:37 am |
|
he is funny tho...made me chuckle early sunday morn....altho the one about the dead arm and wanking is also from Gone in 60 Seconds...
but gotta love the ice cube fart! |
|
|
|
|
Neal
Forum Moderator
Joined: 18 Feb 2004
Posts: 7432
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:44 am |
|
|
|
|
JB
Mr Quoter-vator
Joined: 16 Feb 2004
Posts: 7405
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:45 am |
|
u dont get the ice cube fart joke? |
|
|
|
|
Neal
Forum Moderator
Joined: 18 Feb 2004
Posts: 7432
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:50 am |
|
what, he crapped himself and it froze? doesnt make sense |
|
|
|
|
JB
Mr Quoter-vator
Joined: 16 Feb 2004
Posts: 7405
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:52 am |
|
no its his fart that froze and when he chucked it on the fire it defrosted and farted!...its just a joke...not meant to be totally realistic |
|
|
|
|
Neal
Forum Moderator
Joined: 18 Feb 2004
Posts: 7432
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:52 am |
|
how can a fart freeze? and why would it make a noise when it melted? |
|
|
|
|
JB
Mr Quoter-vator
Joined: 16 Feb 2004
Posts: 7405
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:53 am |
|
|
|
|
Neal
Forum Moderator
Joined: 18 Feb 2004
Posts: 7432
|
| Posted:
Sun Oct 31, 2004 2:53 am |
|
i think thats for the best |
|
|
|
|
|
|
