Beat the Bank Holiday blues

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 11:40 pm

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

The last time I went on holiday I flew with BA. It was terrible. He kept shouting â€˜You crazy fooâ€™. I ainâ€™t gettinâ€™ on no plane!â€™

I went out last night and drunk eleven pints of yoghurt, when I woke up this morning I was mullered

Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?" "Because Im bloody freezing"

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For christ's sake, you bloody idiot, it's twenty to two in the sodding morning!!"

Clubbers in the North of England have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. A police spokesperson said: 'If you are approached by a Northener offering E by gum,' you should report them immediately.'

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer whiskas

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh, no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'
'The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?

Which mobile network do Jedis use? Yodafone.

Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the Officer. "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says I'm hard, man, I'm hard! The bartender says, OK, you're hard.
Next day, the black tarmac walks into the bar again, goes up to the bartender and says, I'm hard, man, I'm hard. Bartender says, Ok, you're hard.
Next day, the black tarmac is at the bar again when in walks a piece of red tarmac. Suddenly the black tarmac disappears. The bartender finds him in the alley out back, hiding behind a bind and shaking. The bartender says to him - I thought you were hard, how come you're afraid of a bit of red tarmac? The black tarmac says, I am hard man, but he's a bloody cyclepath!

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and asks his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches him another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit infront of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says "It's started..."

Site Subscriber Joined: 29 Jan 2005 Posts: 1108

Legend Mals......Legend Laughing

I got one that a mate told me the other day which I'm sure will make u all chuckle! All I gotta do is try and remember it.........

A guy's on his way to work and he's a bit late so he's doin about 90mph on this nice straight bit of road when he suddenly spots the bonnet of a police car behind a pillar of a bridge he goes under and he was like "fuckkk" and checks his mirror to see if the police car follows him, and sure enough it does. So he pulls over, and the cop gets out and taps on his drivers window and says "in a bit of a rush sir?" and the guy's like "yeah, I'm running a bit late for work" so the cops like "oh, so what is it you do for work then?" ....."I'm an arsehole stretcher" the guy replies. The cops like "you're a WHAT??"..... "yeah, I'm an arsehole stretcher....I put one finger in, then another, then I slowly pull it apart until I can get a clamp in, and then I wind it out until it's about 6ft wide" and the cop is stood there in disbelief like "riiighttt ookkaaaaayyy.......and what exactly do you do with a 6ft arsehole then??" and the guy's like "give it a speed camera and park it under a bridge"

Laughing

I don't mean to offend anyone with that joke by the way!

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:59 am

superb!