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Chris H
Forum Moderator
Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 19978
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| Posted:
Thu Jul 28, 2005 1:30 am |
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History Lesson
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Genuine answers from GCSE History exams:
• Egyptians were people too, even though they had false gods and pyramids and they all lived in the dessert by the river Nigel. They travelled by chariots and feet and were into bondage.
• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah Dessert is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• Stone Hedge was invented by fluids who wore big cloaks nearly 3,000 years ago.
• The Bible was invented by God who, on the 6th day, saw the light and he was happy with it. God also invented man from a spare rib and women from another one that was spare also.
• The Bible is full interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brothers son ?"
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without ingredients. Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever made it to Canada.
• Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
• The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
• Actually Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.
• Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people "Romans" because they never stayed in one place for very long.
• Romans wore skirts, cloaks and scandals with mighty large swords, they were a warrior race except the woman who were pasty.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee, Hee, Brutus" !
• Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
• Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magma Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
• In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Another story was William Tell, who shot his load with an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
• Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah".
• It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
• The greatest writer of the renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his Birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
• Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
• During the Renaissance, America was began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pina and the Santa Fe.
• Later, the Pilgrim’s crossed the Ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• The Pilgrims faced many Indians called Big Foot or Moroccans who had haircuts named after them
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
• Soon the constitution of the United States of America was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booths career.
• Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
• Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Johann Bach wrote a great many musicals and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present day. Bach was the most famous compost in the world and son was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
• The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
• Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
• The 19th Century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack raper, which did the work of a hundred man.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madam Curie discovered radio and Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers
• The motor car was invented by Henry Fonda, who disliked horses. This industry started up the convenience belt to which hundreds of cars would flow everyday and night except on Bank Holidays. |
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Chris H
Forum Moderator
Joined: 02 Mar 2004
Posts: 19978
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| Posted:
Thu Jul 28, 2005 1:33 am |
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david3533
Site Subscriber
Joined: 02 Oct 2004
Posts: 1575
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Thu Jul 28, 2005 2:35 am |
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Lindsey
Level 10 User
Joined: 22 Mar 2005
Posts: 621
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Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:34 am |
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Couldn't help myself, sent her an email telling her politely that she's talking crap! |
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Tranton
Site Subscriber
Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 342
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Thu Jul 28, 2005 4:01 am |
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Doc
Site Subscriber
Joined: 11 Feb 2005
Posts: 2929
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Thu Jul 28, 2005 4:07 am |
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Sic Puppy
Site Subscriber
Joined: 01 Feb 2005
Posts: 728
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| Posted:
Thu Jul 28, 2005 4:20 am |
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LOL and someone has donated $25!!!! |
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JB
Mr Quoter-vator
Joined: 16 Feb 2004
Posts: 7405
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| Posted:
Thu Jul 28, 2005 4:29 am |
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what god awful front bottomy colours she is using too....she really has not the best grasp on anything. |
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Benskett
Level 10 User
Joined: 05 Mar 2005
Posts: 570
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Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:14 am |
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Best one I saw a mate do was
Question: what is 2x+4b=3h (or some algebra of some sort)
Answer: Only smarties have the answer
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JB
Mr Quoter-vator
Joined: 16 Feb 2004
Posts: 7405
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| Posted:
Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:32 am |
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x = 5
b = 2
h = 6
one possibility |
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