nursery rhymes of today instead its now a funny thread

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dxxkhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*** him,
He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey................ He needed the money

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

[img:444:634:355d1c5c35]http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/9465/sperm3vp.jpg[/img:355d1c5c35]

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A young, newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The Reverend told
>> >> them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
>> >> abstain from sex for a whole month." The couple agreed and, after
>>two
>> >> and a half weeks, return to the church.
>> >>
>> >> The Reverend ushers them into his office, but the wife is crying and
>>the
>> >> husband is obviously depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a
>> >> problem?" The Reverend inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit
>> >> that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month."
>>The
>> >> young man replied sadly.
>> >>
>> >> The Reverend asked what happened.. "Well, the first week was
>>difficult.
>> >>
>> >> However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second
>> >> week was terrible, but, with the use of prayer, we managed to
>>abstain.
>> >>
>> >> The third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
>>reading
>> >> from the Bible, anything to keep our minds of carnal thoughts. Then,
>> >> one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
>>When
>> >> she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
>> >> with her right there and then." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.
>> >>
>> >> "You understand that this means that you will not be welcome in our
>> >> church." stated the Reverend. "We know." Said the young man,
>>hanging
>> >>
>> >> his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

An old man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a drop-dead gorgeous young blonde on his arm. "I'm looking for a spectacular ring for this young lady," he said. The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand. I want something very unique, and much more expensive" the old man said.

At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000."

The girl's eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"Fine," the jeweller said. "And how will you be paying, sir?"

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order. So I'll write a cheque today, and you can phone the bank on Monday, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phones the man. "You lied to me," he said, "there's no money in that account."

"I know that." the old man said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo vet determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Gareth. A big Welsh lad from Swansea. He was responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo Administrators thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a bonk with the gorilla for Â£500 ? Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. "
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The Zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.

-

-

"Well," said Gareth........ "You'll have to give me another week to come
up with the Â£500."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the Â£1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says,

"Right Sven, this is for Â£1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win Â£1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won Â£1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

What goes clip clop,clip clop,clip clop, BANG!!

clipperty clop,clipperty clop,clipperty clop,clipperty clop.....

An Amish drive by shooting.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and......

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the Drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a Skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars. and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet

I am proud to be British

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Sister Mary and Sister Ann are driving down a deserted highway when a vampire jumps on the front of their car. Sister Mary tries everything to get him off the car........she swerves, she accelerates and brakes hard, but nothing.

Sister Ann says "There's only one thing left to do Mary........show him your cross!"

Sister Mary nods, rolls down the window........."GET THE F**K OFF MY CAR!!!!!!!!"

Mr Quoter-vator Joined: 16 Feb 2004 Posts: 7405

ahh a brilliant selection Laughing

apart from the one about the swansea lad of course!

loving the british one and the last one Laughing

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:51 am

Three guys died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Lada to
drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your BMW."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Porsche!"

A little while later, the two guys with the BMW and the
Lada saw the guy with the Porsche crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Porsche what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:51 am

This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.

They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.

The lorry driver just stood up and walked out. The Hells Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said

"He wasn't much of a man was he?"

"No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:52 am

A man walks into a pub with a steering wheel on his dick and he asks for a pint and the bar tender says

"Do you realise you have a steering wheel on your dick?!?"

"Yeah", replied the man, "It's driving me nuts."

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:52 am

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, gets a beer and sits down.

Then, the M1 walks in. He says, "I've had a really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me!"

The black tarmac tells him to calm down and asks if he wants to join him for a drink.

The M1 and the black tarmac sit down together.

Then, the Dual Carriageway walks in. He says, "I have had a really, really bad day and you do not wanna mess with me".

The black tarmac and the M1 tell him to calm down and the Dual Carriageway joins them for a drink.

Just then, a piece of red tarmac walks in and the black tarmac starts shaking and whimpering. The bartender asks if anything's wrong and the black tarmac replies,

"You don't wanna mess with him... he's a cycle path!!"

Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:53 am

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone,

"honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunitic is driving the wrong way down the motorway",

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

Site Subscriber Joined: 26 Nov 2005 Posts: 591

Chris, Mals..........YOU HEROS! Laughing

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

The last word on Heather Mills

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his
wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from
his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught
over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing,
"I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend,
"she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior
to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world
amassing a colossal fortune due to his participation with The Beatles and
subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement hasn't been signed it is
believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity
may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying
to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was
the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the
present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a
plane but he also gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney-

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river

Q What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A The McCartneys

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please.
Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can
fill her shoe.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the
squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald
that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is
taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the
work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he
told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the more
needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get
to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On
arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britains apparent love of
dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed
them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then
return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care
of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks
he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost ?10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law
and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Deadly Sports

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.
They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps
off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then Throws
himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half
way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues
to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"