Joke thread

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt
better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and

never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two

shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of
that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most
accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to
send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house
numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it,
pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice
this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The
coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off
and put them in the pocket for you.
The family is fine. Your Father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men
under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetary. Your sister had a
baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so
I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the
funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment
on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was
driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled
down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't
get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We
Cremated him and he burned for three days.
Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A whole lot of one liners...

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Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Spoons

Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well,"he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a
drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save
15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon, and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now," he commented.

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he said. Then he lowered
his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom. By tying
this string
to the tip of (you know what), we can pull it out without touching it
and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in
the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon

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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

---------------------------------------

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w a n k e r ..."

-----------------------------------------

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Employee handbook

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Â£350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a Â£600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the Toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

2 Golf jokes

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No. 1

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the
week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in
another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard
the remaining three talking about their golf round at the
coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf
team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I
joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not
one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be
starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time
would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be
a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes
late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She
smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and
pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back
in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at
6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were
incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par
round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were
totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure
her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be
showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire
to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this
week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable
because each was determined to play the best round of golf of
his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her
late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally
she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed
which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of
them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their
strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their
heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round
which helped the conversation loosen up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.
He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my
dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I
have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met
my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always
sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would
pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to
the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the
left, I golfed left-handed"

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot
back,

"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

No. 2

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get
his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in
the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy
willows." Dave shouts back," DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of
God, DON'T SWING!!"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Whats the difference between a magic wand and a policemans truncheon?
Ones for cunning stunts and the others for stunning c**ts.

Whats the difference between Jamie Oliver and a cross country runner?
Ones a pant in the country and the others a c**t in the pantry.

Two cows talking in a field, one says, 'so then what ya think of this mad cow disease?' the other cow replys, 'what do I care, I'm a squirrel!'

So David Beckham rings Michael jackson in his hotel room and says, 'Micheal, me and Victoria think you are innocent, once the trial is over, would you like to spend some time on our new yacht?' Micheal replies, 'Sure, I'd love to come on your little Cruz.'

Why did god give women legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make.

This bloke turns to this prostitute and says 'I hear you've got the biggest pus*y in the whole of the north of England.', shes says 'Yeah Â£25, it's yours for half an hour'. So they go back to her place and he goes down on her, 'My god thats 'kin big, my god thats 'kin big' she replies 'theres no need to say it twice', he says 'I DIDN'T!'

Whats got 1000 balls and fecks rabbits?
A shotgun.

Guy fancies a prossie but after walking out of the pub, all he's got is Â£5.78. So he goes down this road know for prossies asking 'em if they'll do it for Â£5.78. ANyway to cut a long story short, he finds this big fat wench who says, 'Yeah go on then, it's been slow tonight.'

So he goes back to her place and he's sha**ing this prossie. He getting really carried away with himself and shouts, ' How am I going, how am I going?????' So she replies 'About 3 knots'. He stops and looks at her dead puzzled and says, '3 knots?????' to which she says, 'Yeah, it's not stiff, it's not in and ya not getting ya money back!'

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

An 80 year old man is in his hospital bed with his oxygen mask on, the nurse comes walking over and asks if he's feeling OK.
He nods and then says 'are my testicles black'.
The nurse says, 'Oh, i best check', she lifts up the sheets and has a look, has a quick feel and pops back up 'there fine' she says.
The old man takes his mask off and says 'That was very nice of you love, but are my test results back'

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's
crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object,
pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz
wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the
bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust
a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were
white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is:
Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the
babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they
are as it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong," asks the mother.
"Well mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the
daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years
before.

About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out."
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to
worry.

Another week passes by & the son walks into the room in tears.
It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened. you were having a
wee and a bullet came out"
"No," says the boy, " I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog...."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his Girlfriend is lying quietly in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have s-ex with when you've got a headache."

Girlfriend replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year scoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're arrse-holes!!"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

a man who has been in prison for fifteen years escapes and heads to the nearest village and breaks into a house to hide out for cover, he disovers a couple in bed sleeping so he grabes the man and ties him to a chair and then ties the wife to the bed! he then jumps on top of the woman and starts kissing her neck a moment later the prisoner gets up and goes to the bathroom while the prisoner is in there the husband says to the wife let him do what he wants to u if u want us to live, u can tell he gaggin, suck his ****, lick his ball etc etc just let him have his way with u im sure we can get over it, its obvius hes been in prison for a long time look at him, then the wife turns and says ok but hes just whispered to me that hes gay and thinks your cute and asked where the vasaline was and i told him it's in the bathroom!!

Level 7 User Joined: 22 Apr 2004 Posts: 223

Jake was dying His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Level 7 User Joined: 22 Apr 2004 Posts: 223

((((RING)))) **Pick Up** "Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul
" After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??" ... Is this 486 -5731 ??

Mr Quoter-vator Joined: 16 Feb 2004 Posts: 7405

BRILLIANT JOKES !!

thanks for all those...brightened my day up Very Happy