Joke thread

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

come on kiddies lets hear them, I'll start

Things We Learn From The Movies...

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25 Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For The Movies:-

1. Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

2. One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

7. Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

9. During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

10. All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

12. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

13. It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

15. A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

16. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

17. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

18. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises
in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

19. If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't .

20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

22. A police detective can only solve a case after he has been> suspended from duty.

23. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

25. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Irish Confession

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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

The Genius of Peter Kay...

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
Break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on
it was sticks and stones all the way.

Cool

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

> > > > Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

Cool

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.

1 Cool

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
halfway through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've go your hand or head stuck in something.

2 Cool

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on nan upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting >it in a fruit salad.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

An Australian bloke is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the bloke turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the bloke comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland
around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where
it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a
d1ck.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Dear Doctor White:

Lard tunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile. Me reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless.

After getting married here in Gander bye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'?

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait tree weeks fer the safeperiod, when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant again. Twins dis time.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again.

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus nother set of twins.

I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem things over yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again.

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead.

Ye can see me problems right? If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout it is any substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??
Yours sincerely,

Eli from Conception Bay

P.S.
Me fadder didn't have any condoms way back den so he skinned an eel and used that. Needless to say it didn't work...... poked hes pecker through the eye. dat's how I got me name.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...

'I've brought you the Peeking duck'

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and ,"Johnny,this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

The Moral of the story is: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
INTERRUPT

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Four married guys went fishing....

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After an hour, the following conversation took place

First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house
next weekend."

Second guy:
"That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for
the pool."

Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel
the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said
a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the
clock,
gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or S*x," and she said, "Wear a
sweater."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed
Typoglycemia

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Sat in bed the other night, the mrs sparks up '...aint you got a big dick'

I said '...your pullin me leg'

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

How to shower like a Woman:
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once
with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Condition hair
with graefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil,
leave on hair for 15 min.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 min until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash.
Turn off shower,
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom If you see wife along the
way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make farting noises, (real or not) and laugh at how loud they are in
the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry-off.
Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If yo pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo
noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hm mm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs,are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.

5th floor
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Ali G's Driving Tips

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>I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me decided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonalds). Wicked.

>Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe.
>You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (me mate Dave will sell ya one for 20 squids - just tell im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid de instructer.

>Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive.
>Its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either.

>Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving.
>You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it a bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it.

>Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructor.
>If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum and Bass.

>Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment.
>When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver.

>Tip 6 - Changing Gears.
>This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'.

>Tip 7 - Breaking and Corners.
>Breaking and corners 'ave alot in common. You need to be usin' the handbreak for both.

>Tip 8 - Correct Signalling.
>Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that biatch wid de short skirt. They is best used to cuss other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph).

>Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits.
>I aint sure what these things are. You can make about Â£30 stealing them though. AYE!

>Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver.
>You will be able to spend hours sat in the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out.
>Keep it safe, keep it real... respect.
>Wicked!

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

innocence of the 1950's Laughing

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs Play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win a prize.

One particular game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is Possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".

Contestant: "Brian"

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes".

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"

Brian: "Sara"

DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"

DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me"

DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes"

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake"

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"

DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."

DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh"

Brian: "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"

DJ: "Atta boy Brian"

Brian: "On the kitchen table"

DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this"

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones...ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos"

DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she"

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No"

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely honest"

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"

Sara: (laughing) "yes"

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning"

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"

DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes"

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell them honey"

DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"

Sara: "well....."

DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"

Sara: "Up the arse..."

After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station break"

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive manouvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

New Lyrics "I will survive"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ladies will like this one

> > > I Will Survive
> >
> > >
> >
> > > At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
> >
> > > When you said you had 10 inches Lord I almost died,
> >
> > > But I'd spent oh so many yrs just waiting for a man that long,
> >
> > > That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on. . .
> >
> > >
> >
> > > But there you are,
> >
> > > Another lie,
> >
> > > I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry,
> >
> > > I should have known that it was bullsh*t,
> >
> > > Just a sad pathetic dream,
> >
> > > Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > Go on now go,
> >
> > > Walk out the door,
> >
> > > Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,
> >
> > > Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out,
> >
> > > Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > (Chorus)
> >
> > > I will survive, I will survive,
> >
> > > Cos as long as I have batteries,
> >
> > > My sex life is gonna thrive,
> >
> > > I will always have good sex with a handful of latex,
> >
> > > I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
> >
> > >
> >
> > > It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
> >
> > > When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud,
> >
> > > But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs,
> >
> > > Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,
> >
> > >
> >
> > > Go on now go,
> >
> > > Just make a dash,
> >
> > > Last time I saw a pr*ck that small
> >
> > > was watching Gladstone run nude hash,
> >
> > > I should have asked for confirmation,
> >
> > > Should have asked for referees,
> >
> > > Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > Go on now go,
> >
> > > Just hit the track,
> >
> > > Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
> >
> > > Cos I'll always throw them back,
> >
> > > The only thing that I could do with a pr*ck as small as yours,
> >
> > > Is to stick it with a tooth pick, Dip it in tomato sauce.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > (Chorus)
> >
> > > Go on now go,
> >
> > > Get out of my sight,
> >
> > > I'm going back to my appliance,
> >
> > > Cos I know it's length is right,
> >
> > > A nd if I ever see your tiny tockley at my door,
> >
> > > You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
> >
> > > Go on now Go

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

A Chinese man rings his boss. 'me no work i sick'. His Boss says 'when im sick i **** my wife, try that?' 2 hours later the Chinese man rings back, 'me better, u got nice house!!'

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

Things to do in the elevator!! - Got to be barmy to do this mind you!!

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16.Tell people that you can see their aura.

17.Call out, "Group Hug!â€ and then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

27.Call a mate on your mobile and pretend your receving results from the doctor about your very infectious disease

28. Keep scratching yourself and complaing about them pesky fleas.