jokes

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

come on amuse me

Q Whats a man got if hes not got his family?
A Nothign except money and freedom

crap but get the ball rolling

Forum Moderator Joined: 02 Mar 2004 Posts: 19978

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if
they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and
the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the
door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for
action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his
bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou
Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you
guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as
fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again
they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his
young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age
you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less
than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a
great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean
I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has it's advantages!

Level 9 User Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 435

Warm and Moist

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Level 9 User Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 435

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Level 9 User Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 435

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

Level 9 User Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 435

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

Site Subscriber Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 350

Two 'ladies of the night' are standing on a street corner one night when one goes to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No..." she replies, "...but i've been swung around by the tits before"

Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:05 am

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five quid for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five quid for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five quid," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

Level 2 User Joined: 19 Jul 2005 Posts: 40

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of The British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's Existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change the Tyres in under six seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for eight Cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

(sorry to all scousers out there, you can take the piss out of us southerners if you want) Very Happy